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Today I read this post by Keiko, Buy Buy Baby, which was a brilliant response to an article in Jezebel, Would You Put Your Fertility Treatments on Kickstarter, which was an insane, uninformed response to this article in the NYT, Crowdfunding Fertility Treatments.

I’m so enraged right now I can’t even formulate a proper post. But just a couple of points:

1. While I, personally, wouldn’t request money from friends or family for our fertility treatments, I see nothing wrong with it. In fact, how’s it any different from anything else I’m often asked to support (e.g. Girl Scout Cookies, various walks to raise money, etc…).  And you know what’s awesome about the freedom to ask? The free will to say no. Weird how life works that way.
2. The misinformation and misconceptions that people about IVF (or any type of ART), as displayed in the Jezebel article and the subsequent comments, is truly saddening.
3. Seems to me that everyone but those going thru treatments think of a child as a commodity, and yet we are vilified (again, based some points in the article and comments). Mind boggling.
4. Adoption is not the cure all for infertility, and it is just as expensive, if not more than fertility treatments. It also isn’t a guarantee…just like IVF.
5. By end of reading all 3 of the above, I was in tears. Because, are you fucking serious!?

and

6.  I’m really thinking about going back to Blogger…not enjoying the WP experience. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

I saw this posted on another blog earlier this week, and, well, it speaks for itself…

 

Everything is Waiting for You, by David Whyte

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

xo

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a conundrum of sorts

When I started my blog, I only informed a select group (read: IF’ers) of friends because it centered around infertility, and we hadn’t shared anything with our family/friends IRL. It was a safe-zone. But as the years went on, and we stopped-started-stopped-started-stopped treatment, the blog slowly moved away from infertility, though not completely. During that time, I also began to share my blog with IRL friends as we opened up more about our infertility issues. And all has been fine, until recently. I think around the holidays I realized I really missed the anonymity  I felt in being able to document, rant, rave, complain, work-through issues related to infertility in a semi-private setting.

I don’t like the idea of making my entire blog private, th0ugh that may need to be done.  More importantly, I don’t like the feeling of deliberately ‘blocking’ someone from seeing my blog/posts.  But as relationships and circumstances evolve and change, I have realized I’m going to have to do something…I’m just not sure what or how. I think, for the time being, I’m just going to continue to make private certain posts (and change the password from what it was previously, sorry); hopefully, that will suffice.

Have you experienced this with your own blog?

random-ness

• t had (another) knee surgery at the beginning of february. everything went fine, just as planned. until he contracted a staph infection from the hospital. and had to be hospitalized for a week. compounded by the fact that he’s (apparently) allergic to the strongest form of antibiotics available, which we found out after they’d been pumping him with said antibiotics for 3 days thru an IV, every 8 hours. oh, yeah. that was terrifying. and scary.he’s home now and still healing. doctor said it’ll take a few weeks for the wound site to completely heal and close, and although that sucks, he’s infection free.

• we bought a new truck for t over the weekend. as if that process doesn’t completely suck the life out of you – as well as devouring an entire day , we had fun playing 20 questions with the salesman:

lot lizard: so, how long have y’all been married?

t: almost 10 years. been together almost 15 (idk why he feels the need to add that on every time;  i think a decade of  marital chaos bliss earns us some sort of validation. amirite?)

lot lizard: 10 years? how many kids? *flashes big smile*

t: *flashes best smile, and puts one had on my increasingly agitated, bouncing knee bc he just knows* none.

::all kinds of awkward::

yeah. sucks to feel like an ass, huh? don’t worry. we’ll still buy a vehicle from you. and indulge you with polite nods and ‘oohs’ and ‘awes’ as you tell us about your screaming banshees at home. because we totally don’t suck. meh.

in all seriousness, we hold no grudges towards the pregnant population or people with kids. we’re (generally) happy for everyone. yay! go babies! and we’re, for the most part, past those negative feelings towards others…and mostly stick to self-defecation. and the awkward silences have become, in a way, kind of funny…like snickering at an inside joke. i know. we’re such assholes.

• we hosted a little mini-bday party for my nephew at our house in feb. his bday is in march (this week, actually), but my sister was in town and we really didn’t want to drive 4hrs for his bday party. my sister is a bit of a control freak…told me what flavor cake to make, what decorations to buy, food to prep, etc etc (did i mention we were hosting?). anyway. i ran into them at the sandwich shop and asked nephew if he wanted to go next door with me to pick out an ice-cream cake…my sister about shit. but the look on my nephew’s face, full of excitement and wonder…totally worth her almost-poopy pants. and yes, we ended up with a chocolate cake with strawberry ice-cream filling. win.
• march is going to be crazy: super tuesday (go RON!), march madness, concert with mb, sx.sw, a few birthdays, friends visiting from out of town, a huge movie release/date with girls,  a wedding…fun times. jealousy is warranted.
• i’ll leave you with my new favorite band. i am so in love with them….and i also now love iceland. who knew?

 

streaming

so many things are out of my control.

there is so much anger -

so much energy, wasted.

it will take a long, long time to get over and through this. it may never happen.

irreparable damage.

betrayal, and beyond.

unbelievable, my life is.

**for the few people who still read: this post isn’t about my marriage. we’re fine, tfg.**

a few snapshots

combined we took nearly 2000 pics, but i had these on my phone and thought i’d share:

paris (obvs)

berlin

praha (prague)

vienna

amsterdam (and no, the pic is not flipped)

amsterdam

i have better ‘touristy’ photos but just thought i’d post a few until i can get those downloaded and edited.

peace.

09.13.11

went to see Bon Iver with KC.  i don’t have the words to do this band/Justin Vernon justice. it’s hard to choose a favorite …all of his lyrics are simply stunning, imo.  i took video but i do not have a steady hand, ha! guess a future gig in videography is out.  anyway. a few of my faves (with lyrics posted):

re: Stacks

This my excavation and today is kumran
Everything that happens from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed

I keep throwing it down two-hunded at a time
It’s hard to find it when you knew it
When your money’s gone
And you’re drunk as hell

On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you’re un-stacking your load

Well I’ve been twisting to the sun and the moon
I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground

There’s a black crow sitting across from me
His wiry legs are crossed
He is dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?

On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you’re un-stacking your load

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It’s the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me

Blood Bank

Well I met you at the blood bank
We were looking at the bags
Wondering if any of the colors
Matched any of the names we knew on the tags

You said, “see look thats yours!
Stacked on top with your brother’s
See how the resemble one another
Even in their plastic little covers”

And I said I know it well

That secret that you knew
But you don’t know how to tell
It fucks with your honor
And it teases your head
But you know that its good girl
‘Cos its running you with red

Then the snow started falling
We were stuck out in your car
You were rubbing both of my hands
Chewing on a candy bar

You said, “‘aint this just like the present
To be showing up like this”
As a moon waned to crescent
We started to kiss

And I said I know it well

That secret that we know
That we don’t know how to tell
I’m in love with your honor
I’m in love with your cheeks
What’s that noise up the stairs, babe?
Is that Christmas morning creaks?

And I said I know it well
I know it well

And I said I know it well
I know it well

And I said I know it well
I know it well

 

and finally, my fave (i think, ha!) from the new ablum:

Holocene

“someway, baby, it’s part of me, apart from me”
You’re laying waste to Halloween
You fucked it friend, it’s on it’s head, it struck the street
You’re in Milwaukee, off your feet

… and at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
(Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

3rd and Lake it burnt away, the hallway
Was where we learned to celebrate
Automatic bought the years you’d talk for me
That night you played me ‘Lip Parade’
Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
Saying nothing, that’s enough for me

… and at once I knew I was not magnificent
Hulled far from the highway aisle
(Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
Above my brother, I entangled spines
We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
Now to know it my memory:

… and at once I knew I was not magnificent.
High above the highway aisle
(Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

***

i really just cannot describe how Bon Iver’s music makes me feel. unreal.

 

on private posts

contact me via email (probableimpossibilities@gmail.com)

xoxo